26 August 2011, 4:28 pm
it all started in grade 8 when i started to become insecure about the way i looked. i have an twin sister and i always get compared to her. i am known as the uglyer twin. the guys call me the uglyer twin behind my back, and i always find out. in grade 8 i became really inscure about the way i look. i always wear a lot of makeup and always spend a lot of time on my hair. so that when guys see me they will notice me and not my sister. my sister is more outgoing then me, and im just the shy one. around january ive learned to be more outgoing because people would call me annoying and the shy one. and i really did not like it at all. when i heard a comment about me being the uglyer twin id cry so hard, the comment would just hurt my heart and my stomach, and now to this day i still think about all the comments everyone has made about me. it really hurts. i know i am not pretty. i find nothing about my self pretty. i am way to skinny because i have a stomach problem but i still eat alot but not alot of junk food because i cant eat junk food with my stomach problem. but ive noticed the more the months past by i have became more and more inscure about my self. ive gotten to the point where i have cut my self because i am not known as pretty, and i have came to the point where ive looked into the mirror and cryed. ive looked at my self in the mirror many, many, many times and cried. i hurt inside every single day of my life. i am emotional damanged from everything. i get no guys, and no guys call me beautiful. ive also came to the point when i feel like complete shit when i hang out with my close girl friends because they are all so pretty and then there is just me. my best girl friends kaylee and mardi say i am beautiful no matter what inside and out, but no matter how many times they tell me i am beautiful i do not believe it. i just look at my self in my mirror and cry because it is not true. i cannot find one good thing about my self. its all wrong. i wished i looked like other people rather then me, and i wish i had a different personalitty, i hate my personalitty. there is another really big thing that i am depressed about. i have been in love with this guy named james for over an year, this year i have developed feelings for him very hard. i have never ever fell this hard for a guy before. and please, i dont want to hear about how grade 8's going into grade 9 cant be inlove. i am inlove. my heart hurts, my stomach hurts. my whole insides hurts because he is not mine. he does not known i am inlove with him. i cannot tell him, we wouldnt even have a chance because hes amazing in every way and then theres just me. my sister recently and him liked eachother. they madeout at a party. i cryed so hard. i was so hurt. and i just love him so much. i cry every night because of everything and how he is not mine, and of course my sister can get the guy im in love with and i cant. also ive never made out with a guy before and i am enetering high school soon. every single day of my life i am upset about not makeing out with a guy. i cry almost every day about it. there is not one person i know who hasnt made out before. and then theres just me. the ugly one who hasnt made out. also my parents treat me like a piece of shit. they are so unfair. they are the worst parens legit ever. i lie about every and everywhere i go. they know nothing about me. they are very very unfair and i cry so much because of them and i hate them so so so much. legit. i hate them. so all of this together just hurts me so much and i cry every single day and night. i am so hurt inside it is unblievable. ive cut my self many many times. but i am not addicted. i try to stay strong and not cut, but sometimes i have to. i dont have many best friends that are here for me. i have alot of friends but not best friends. but all of this hurts me so fucking much its like im living half alive. i feel dead inside. ive also thought about suciude but i'd never do it. i have an fucking amazing best friend and i can never leave her. and throughout this whole school year ive been through so much. i have a diary on my cell phone and it takes 10 minutes to scroll down. NOT READING, scroll down. all full of problems. i honestly dont know what to do anymore. mostly i just want to makeout with a guy and my problems will be solved because i will have confidence. i am so hurt inside it is crazy. and i love james so much it is crazy. and james likes my best friend and i cry so hard because it is not me i wish for him all the time but its not going to happen. please i need advice i dont know what to do anymore i want to get better but i hurt so much where i feel like im dead inside. i am not overexagratting. this is all true. i hate my life. everything about it. i want a new life. i cant go every day feeling like this anymore. im tired. tired of everything and so so so hurt. plz help dontmesswiththeonepieceman, you can go fuccccck your self :) that was the worst fuuucccccking advice ever hahahahahahahha like gtfo, that was the worst advice ever i feel like a piece of ssssshit, dont fuckkkkkkkking comment on any of my stuff ever again, see you fucccckkkkinngng never :)... 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