23 August 2011, 5:43 pm
For the last few years I've been battling pretty serious depression. My first major episode started at the end of my first year of university. I fell into a dark hopeless pit and it took me almost 8 months to pull myself out of it. For the last year or so I've been working on myself, trying to stave of a return of this disease... but always scared - anxious that it will come back and suck the colour out of my life all over again. I'm a different sort of girl I guess. I've always been a bit of on the edge - don't get me wrong I look like your average university student. But I'm deviant and I know it. I love absorbing myself in activities, my school work, books, video games. Anything that removes me from my surroundings offers me a lot of rapture and peace. I'm weird with food. I go through cycles where I binge almost every night, and others where I won't eat for a couple of days. I keep bizarre hours. When I don't have school or work to dictate a schedule I tend to be nocturnal to the extreme. I'll wake up at 3pm and stay up until 7am. I like the night. It's quieter... it feels... more open I guess... like there is some faint hopefulness attached to being the only person up when everyone around you is dead asleep. Night also lets me avoid my family, members of which I'm beginning to feel horrible animosity and disgust from. Because I am not normal, I feel that my mom and sister nurse an intense dislike for who I am and my behaviour. Every-time I have an encounter with my mom I hate myself a little more. It's gotten to the point were I have a huge amount of self-loathing. I want to cut myself and hurt myself. I think about killing myself a lot. If something is wrong in the house it is my fault. If someone leaves a dirty dish out, if a door is stuck, if there's a mark on the wall I must be to blame. I cringe when I hear the door open around 5pm when my mom comes home. I don't know what her mood could be - if she's feeling good she will resent me for not wanting to interact with her, if she feels bad and I get in her way she will yell at me, and glare at me, and tell me how I'm not doing what she wants me to do, how I've failed her in some way by leaving a drawer open or a light on. It's gotten to the point where I'm scared to touch anything outside my room because if I don't leave it exactly as I find it she will find it and be angry at me. Her dislike for me is offset by the treatment she offers my siblings. My older brother, my twin sister she teases, hugs, and favours. My brother is an alcoholic but extremely amiable and outgoing. He's always out of the house, at the bar with his friends. But he's the only one in the family who seems to like me unconditionally. I'm happy when he comes home late at night and I can talk and joke with someone I love and feel like a normal person. My sister truly hates me. She is a very conventional girly-girl who had a strong bunch of classic and 'normal' girl friends going through school. My friends were wild party girls who got fake ID's at 16. I had a large group of guy friends I would smoke pot and play video games with. I got the best marks in my grade. She got straight B's. She would steal my clothes, my purse, my makeup, my school work and lie about it. In middle school she wrote a fake diary and read it to my friends - I didn't learn why we grew apart upon entering high school until years later. How she did all this was truly a testament to her ability to play my parents. She is able to cry, to act sweet and demure. Throughout our childhood there was never any doubt in my parents mind that 'I' was the problem. That I was the bully and initiator. Really, what I remember most about my relationship with my sister is just wanting to be left alone. I think my depression was one of my sisters greatest successes. She treats me like dirt now. The way she looks at me sometimes, it's like I'm a slug that she can't believe she has to put up with. When I took she looks away and ignores me, or pretends she can't hear. My parents bought her a condo right next to the university where I go to school. I drive 25 minutes to get there every day, but somehow she was the one who needed her own place and not me. She still comes home to steal my clothes and makeup, my favourite items have all disappeared and she just denies it. If I bring it up with my mom, my mom gets upset with me, tells me she's not getting involved in my problems... Last night my mom screamed at me again... she told me she is sick of my attitude, that she's going to kick me out of the house. My dad usually doesn't get involved, but won't side against her. I don't know what to do. I hate myself, I hate her, I hate my sister. I want to die. I've started drinking heavily when I'm alone at night. I know my de... Read More »
Share on del.icio.us
Share on digg
Share on Technorati
Share on reddit
Share on Yahoo!
Share on Facebook